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Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] All right, everyone, welcome back to the final episode of season one of the zest for Life podcast. I'm Dr. Tod Spencer, and this season, it's been a blast exploring the science and art of happiness. We've covered a lot of ground, and today we're going to do a bit of a recap of the things we've learned during this season, as well as I'm going to present something I tie little seven things that I wish all my clients knew. And I'm sometimes asked to give talks in the community to share insights and thoughts about how to increase people's overall wellness and improve the quality of the relationships. And this tends to be the one that is by far most requested. But before we get into any of that, just want to kind of go back to a few things we talked about during episode one. And it really stems down to if we want to be happy, we have to engage in domains of wellness. And that happiness is this elusive thing that if we try to chase it directly, if we try to say, I want to value happiness, we may find ourselves less happy. But overall, as we explore and identify, well, what things do I need that make me feel whole? And you engage in those different domains for you, then the natural sort of byproduct is going to be an increased sense of well being, contentment, and overall joy, and something that we would identify as happiness. Likewise, remember, happiness is not the absence of sadness. It's not just a matter of identifying the opposite. In fact, again, the research would indicate that the people that allow themselves to feel the whole range of emotions, including things that might be uncomfortable, like sadness, despair, depression, those sort of things that the people that allow themselves to feel all emotions tend to report greater subjective happiness and well being. Another important aspect of what we've covered this season so far is kind of the change process. And I think one of the biggest themes of the season has been that if there are positive changes you would like to make in your life, that it is possible, but also that it doesn't happen by accident. When we're stressed, we start doing autopilot living. We kind of just go through the motions. And one of the first things that I tell the clients that I'm fortunate to work with in my clinical practice is that in order to change, it's going to require two basic ingredients. The first is to take accountability for the parts that you need to own and are responsible for. And the second is being intentional about what you're trying to create in your life. And as humans, we're kind of funny critters. Because when it comes to accountability, there are these huge paradoxes where on one hand we kind of loathe accountability. We try to blame other people or we try to hide.
[00:02:51] But the incredible thing is, once we stop hiding, once we kind of show up and we own our stuff, it's liberating. And so sometimes our efforts to hide and avoid causes us this distress when all we need to do is own our mistakes or own the consequences of our choices. But taking accountability is only about owning our stuff. It doesn't mean that we take responsibility or own the choices of other people. And the choices of other people certainly influence us and our perspectives and our perceptions of our abilities and options and those sort of things. So I'm not suggesting take accountability or responsibility for the poor choices of other people, especially the ones that maybe have been detrimental in your life. But is to say, when I look at my life, what pieces am I responsible for when it comes to being intentional, it's all about what is your vision for what you really are trying to create, what is the target, what is the grand thing you're building towards.
[00:03:51] When we are in autopilot living, we typically don't have a vision of what we're trying to create. And when it comes to making progress towards our goal or our vision for ourselves, it's less about the destination and more about the direction. It's about us having some traction in the right way, movement towards the thing we're wanting or becoming, and less about actually arriving to that place. Now with that as a dramatic introduction, let's transition to the seven things that I wish all my clients knew and understood. And it's not to say this is the definitive list that you need to add value and happiness or change into your life, but is to say, with all the unique individuality that is you, there are also patterns that transcend individuality, meaning there's parts of the human experience that are fairly universal. And so my hope with this list today would be that you're able to identify one or two things that if you were to put a greater emphasis in, and again, taking accountability of your choices and then being intentional, that you would be able to expand sort of your experience and have greater relationships with yourself and with those you love. Number one, don't stop playing. Couples that play together stay together. Plato has said, life must be lived as play. When we play, it deepens our friendship with ourself as well as those we are engaging with. It's amazing because play really does facilitate vulnerability. And vulnerability is one of those things that can lead to emotional intimacy. If we want to be closer to other people in our life, especially the relationships we care most about, consider how am I engaging in meaningful play with this individual? Oftentimes we stop playing as adults because we say, gosh, it doesn't take anything off of my to do list. Now, I'm not suggesting that play now supersedes all the things or that you only focus on play. But when we play and we're connected and attuned and centered with ourselves, it tends to give us the fuel we need to be able to more effectively address the things on that to do list. So I wouldn't say avoid your to do list and just ignore it by playing. But I would say if there's a pattern where play really is not a priority, where you're not doing the things that recharge your batteries, or that you're not tapping into that playful, creative side of who you are and you're just waiting to do that after you finish your to do list, like bad news, you will always have a to do list. You can't wait to zero out that list to start connecting with yourself and with others. And so if there's a pattern where you only give play your leftovers, you probably are experiencing some sort of burnout or compassion fatigue. Likewise, if you fall at the other extreme where it's play first always, and I'm never going to do the tasks on my to do list that I'm avoiding, you're also not actually utilizing the gift of play. There is a fine line between self care and avoidance. Sometimes we deceive ourselves saying, hey, I'm engaging in self care right now, but really it's avoidance. If there's not a pattern of us, hey, finding a balance between, yes, play is a priority, but also I have to get things done, then explore it, address it, figure it out. Do I need to make play a greater priority and say, hey, even though my to do list isn't done, I'm going to engage in some meaningful play with others? Or is it, gosh, I'm engaging in play and I'm deceiving myself, that I'm taking care of myself, when really I'm just facilitating a problem of avoidance. The second thing that I wish everyone that I worked with, knew and understood is that every positive attribute has a negative side effect. And this includes you. This includes your romantic partners, this includes family members, coworkers, everyone that with every positive attribute, there are negative side effects that need to be managed. For example, when we first start dating someone, we're really quick to see their positive attributes, and those are the things that we are really attracted and drawn towards. But it's only until later that we recognize that this positive attribute might have some element that's more difficult to live with. For example, if you are with a partner that is really independent, it's awesome. We love independent people. We don't have to hold their hand, we don't have to coax them into doing things that they really are pretty self sufficient. And that tends to be an attractive attribute. But one of the negative side effects is if someone is independent, they might have a hard time expressing that they need to be with their partner, right? So on one hand, we love the fact that they can be a self starter, but it might come at the cost of that. Their natural default is that it's harder to express needs to a partner or loyalty. For example, loyalty is a wonderful attribute with a partner, but one of the side effects of loyalty is that sometimes someone who's really loyal might be committed and loyal and dedicated to relationships or things that might start hurting them. They might not know when it's time to leave a relationship. They'll go down with the ship, because I was loyal to this thing, even if it comes at incredible costs. So all in all, just to say, if you were to take an inventory of your positive attributes, then start exploring, what are the negative side effects or the unforeseen things that I have to manage in order to not drive myself or others crazy with this thing. And in my clinical work, couples most often are fighting and experiencing conflict, not over the positive attributes, but over the negative side effects. They sometimes think, gosh, my partner has this flawed character, when the reality is it's just one of those negative side effects that they need to manage that's really tied to something beautiful that they love and admire about this partner. And as they're able to focus on the positive attribute, then we have greater sort of leverage or greater momentum to be able to explore, okay, what are the costs of this attribute and how do we manage those costs more effectively?
[00:10:04] Number three is going to be behind every complaint is an unmet need. What this means is anytime a partner or someone in your life is complaining or sharing a frustration, embedded within that is an unmet need. And sometimes people aren't very good at expressing their needs. Sometimes you aren't very good at expressing your needs. And what happens is someone's trying to say, hey, I need this thing. And it comes across as a complaint and it starts creating issues and fights. But if we can slow down, zoom out, relax our slacks, and say, my partner just said this thing, that's kind of frustrating to hear, but she or he is really trying to tell me there's something they're needing that they aren't getting. When we move beyond the complaint and focus on the unmet need, we're able to further the relationship and really connect. So if you find yourself complaining a lot in a relationship, a good exercise is okay. Let me identify what I'm really upset about or what is my need, and how do I express that to my partner in a way that's both assertive and compassionate. Likewise, if your partner is complaining, focus on what are they really trying to say? What is underneath this? Remember, you have the smoke and you have the fire. Sometimes we have a hard time getting to the fire or the heart of the issue, and we're distracted by the smoke.
[00:11:35] And so when a partner is complaining, train yourself to ask yourself, what is the need that they're trying to express right now? And that helps us see past the potential attacks we're perceiving or the frustration and just identify, okay, what is the fire? What is the core issue that my partner is sort of needing right now? All right. And number four, this 1 may be one of my favorites, and it's that the small, everyday interactions matter when it comes to your own personal well being and happiness. It's less about the big milestone moments in your life, but it's really built upon small, everyday choices and interactions you have with others. And this is particularly true with relationships, where it's less about big exotic vacations and more about the way you do the dishes together. It's less about, hey, we're going to go to this expensive concert and more about, hey, how are we connecting when we get home from work? How are we texting? How are we talking throughout the day? And Gottman's bids for connection is really one of the most efficient ways to begin understanding how we make those small interactions matter. And as a refresher, a bid to connect is anytime we do something that tries to bring our partner into our world, to connect, to nurture, to further the relationship.
[00:12:56] Our partners also can bid to connect. So it's an invitation to join our partner's world, their heart, to nurture and further the relationship. And that when someone makes a bid to connect, there's three response options. You can turn towards the bid, which means you're going to pick up what they're putting down. You're going to say, yes, I'm going to connect, I'm going to turn towards that bid.
[00:13:19] There's also we can turn away from the bid, and this is where someone's making an effort or attempt to connect and it just gets ignored. And this happens a lot, especially again, when we're stressed on autopilot living. We're more likely to turn away from bids where we just kind of half heartedly acknowledge, but mostly avoiding connecting. And the third way is we can turn against a bid where someone's trying to connect and we meet that attempt to connect with hostility and aggression. And it's this crazy thing, folks, where if we ignore the bid, so if we turn away or return against from a bid, our partner is going to less likely to bid in the future, meaning that our response oftentimes will influence future bid attempts. But conversely, when we turn towards bids when they're vulnerable, say, hey, let's connect, and you receive it and you connect, you're more likely to have more bids for connection. And so the couples that really sort of figure this out, it's where both partners get efficient and are intentional about putting bids to connect into the relationship and turning towards the ones that they both can. It doesn't mean that you say yes to everything your partner says. It's not to say you become a people pleaser or you avoid conflict, but it is to say that if you're intentionally putting opportunities to connect into the relationship, you will have more connection. And it's not to pretend that you're closer with someone than you are. Bids to connect are a fantastic way to meet someone where the relationship is at and to nurture. So it's never to force a relationship with someone, but rather, bids to connect are an incredible way to nurture the relationship where it's at, and to do bids that feel consistent with the type of relationship with this individual.
[00:15:05] Okay, number five is one we spent an entire episode on, but basically, you cannot not communicate, right? So going back to Watsolovik's axioms of communication, the first axiom is that everything we do was communication. Everything we do, our partner is trying to interpret and ascribing meaning to it. And so this happens when we are actually trying to communicate. It also happens when we are mindlessly communicating and don't realize, wait, people around me are trying to understand, interpret and add meaning to my behavior. So this includes what I'm saying and what I'm not saying. It can include what I'm doing and what I'm not doing. And when you look at research on miscommunication the number one thing that leads to misunderstanding in relationships is misinterpreting the intentions of our partner. And so there's this interpretation and attention mismatch, and so take ownership of the way you're communicating, especially if there's discrepancies between how one partner is interpreting another partner's intentions. Number six is to prioritize hobbies, interest and passions. Now, this is similar about, hey, you need to play, but there's a little more nuances here. The order of operations in which you prioritize hobbies matters. The overwhelming majority of romantic partners want to be supportive of the interests and things that make you feel whole. They want you to live a passionate life. They want you to engage in the things that really help you feel alive. However, they don't want to have to compete with your hobies interest and passions. So the order of operations is really important that once your spouse or partner feels sufficiently cared for, they really do want to support you in the things that you enjoy. So the main takeaway is make it a priority that you have resources and energy to engage in the things that make you feel like you, but also make sure that it's not a tug of war between yourself or your partner's needs. And so as you invest and nurture the relationship, then there's oftentimes opportunities to engage in those important hobies and interests. Now, like most things in life, it's just mostly about avoiding extremes, right? So if there's a pattern where you never get to engage in things until you take care of everything in a relationship, probably going to introduce a little bit of strain, but the other extreme as well. If you only prioritize your stuff before the needs of a partner, that's also going to introduce strain. So in general, fill your partner's bucket first, then engage in those important hobies and interests, but also knowing that there are times and exceptions where, hey, I know things might be a little bit strained or stressed, but I need to do this thing for me. And that's also okay. So again, just be mindful of avoiding extremes. But in general, as you prioritize making sure your partner is okay, then it helps increase your ability to engage in those things that you love and care about without any potential partner resentment. All right? And number seven, now, this is the least romantic. You're not going to see this in a Hallmark movie, but I think it's an incredibly important principle. And the first is you are not responsible to make any partner happy, nor is any partner responsible to make you happy. And that ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. What this means is you are responsible to get your own needs met. And the nice thing is that most of us have a need to serve, provide care, add value, and nurture others. So this means, like, part of getting our own needs met is making sure we're getting the need met to engage in vibrant relationships. So that means, yes, we want to serve. Yes, we want to sacrifice for other people.
[00:19:04] But at the end of the day, you're the one who's responsible to say, hey, am I doing the things that make me feel whole, knowing that I can't chase happiness directly, but I can engage in those domains of wellness. Think back to Talben Shahar's spire model, where we explore sort of how spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional needs are important. And that as we invest in those domains, as we nurture those aspects of who we are, then the natural side effect and byproduct of doing so is increased happiness. So don't fall into the trap of thinking, well, once I have this relationship, then I'll be happy. Or once I achieve this milestone, I'll be happy. Or once I have the dream house, the dream car, the dream whatever. Because the reality is you have always been responsible for your own happiness. And engaging into the domains of wellness is where you will find that sense of joy and contentment.
[00:20:06] All right. And that is going to wrap up and conclude season one of the zest for Life podcast. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. It has been an absolute blast. Please stay tuned and join me in season two as we expand even further. All right, guys, you know the sign off. Stay classy and stay zesty.